


Catfishing | Cato x Clouseau (The Pink Panther)

by princessofkittens



Category: The Pink Panther - All Media Types
Genre: Catfishing, Crossdressing, M/M, Uhhh this a crackfic I guess, You're Welcome, but here it is anyway, general goofy antics, no one asked for this, sexual innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:07:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24505126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessofkittens/pseuds/princessofkittens
Summary: Detective Jacques gets catfished — but it turns out well.
Relationships: Clouseau/Cato
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Catfishing | Cato x Clouseau (The Pink Panther)

**Author's Note:**

> I write this with Peter Sellers and Burt Kwouk in mind, from the original pink panther movies. (And if you've never seen them, child you must!!) 
> 
> Warnings: A lot of innuendo, mature themes though there is no out-and-out smut, catfishing (of sorts, also that's sort of a pun XD you'll see why.)  
> 

(Cato)

Cato waited patiently for his boss to get back, currently the bumbling—yet brilliant—detective was on a case and was not at home.  
Of course the man had to be back some time so Cato took the liberty of cleaning up the apartment as nice as he could, though he really didn't know why he should; after all, they always ruin it the moment Clouseau returns home, but that's not his fault, Jacques needs someone to keep him vigilant. 

Cato had been on the couch reading the paper, but he heard the key slide into the lock and instantly tossed the paper up into the air and ran out of the room to a hiding place.

(Jacques Clouseau) 

Detective Clouseau made his way into his apartment cautiously, he had groceries in his arms and one never knows when their little asian manservant would appear from nowhere and attack. He closed the door, locked it, then turned around quickly, dropping celery from his bag. He stepped further into the room, onto the celery he dropped, and looked behind the couch first, dropping a tomato that burst on impact with the floor. The only thing behind the couch was a newspaper.

He crept into the kitchen and turned quickly, "Hiyah!" He shouted, accidentally breaking a lamp where he thought Cato was creeping up behind him. He opened up a cabinet to search, but there was no Cato. He set his bags down on the counter and looked in the fridge, but still no Cato.  
He stroked his moustache in thought, Where might the little fiend be?

He walked into his bedroom and checked one side of the dresser, as he did, and his back was turned, cato slowly crept out from underneath his bed and snuck into the living room. Clouseau shut the door and checked the balcony, "Cato?" He called, "You need to reveal yourself, I'm much too tired tonight for this." He said, hoping he could lure him out this way, but alas, Cato was much too smart for that.

He did not answer, so Clouseau grumbled and walked back inside.  
He closed the doors to the balconey and looked under the bed, he still found no cato. He stepped lightly around the bed and put his back to the wall, he leaned slowly out of the archway and peered into the living room, "Aha!" Clouseau shouted, he spotted a pair of shoes behind a curtain. He ran over to the curtains and karate chopped the wall. "Ow!!" He shouted holding his hand for a minute before hearing the familiar battle-cry of Cato. He turned just in time to be tackled by the little asian man who was wearing no shoes. They rolled around in the floor a moment, "Ah!! Cato, you idiot! Get off, get off, get off!" Clouseau shouted hitting Cato's back. 

Cato reluctantly got up and straightened his clothes, "Sorry boss." He said with a little bow. Clouseau nodded and picked up his hat, which had fallen off during the rolling around.  
Cato turned around only a second and barely had time to straighten his hair before Clouseau had jumped him.

////  
In the morning Cato was making breakfast for detective clouseau and was thinking back on last night's events...

(Flashback)

Clouseau had tackled Cato in revenge and they'd rolled around again for a minute before Cato was able to straddle the other man and pin his arms over his head, he chuckled, "Is the great detective clouseau getting rusty?" Clouseau cut his eyes, "Never! How dare you insult me so? Why cato if I wasn't worried about hurting your delicate lady frame I'd've already had you flipped back over and pinned as you have me!" Cato snorted, "First, I have no 'lady frame' and second, you could only pin me in your dreams!" and he winked, he couldn't believe he said that of course, why in the world would he flirt with Jacques!? They're both men...granted he'd always found himself attracted to his own gender, but this was France and this was his boss! "Of course, of course," Said Clouseau, "You may stroke your ego whenever you'd like, but first allow me to get up! I'd very much like to go to sleep." Was Clouseau avoiding the fact that he was just flirted with by a man? Or....was he just that dense? Cato assumed, well rather he knew, Clouseau was just that dense.

Cato began to get up when he felt something....well, odd, underneath him. He looked down and then back at clouseau, who was blushing? Did his boss—but no, he was sure he was seeing (and feeling...) things that weren't there, and if it really was, there must be a logical explanation.

Clouseau coughed, "I-I can assure you cato, my arousal is not at all caused by you, no certainly not. Not at all, you are a man, I am a man, we're both men! No, no, I can tell you now that you are without a doubt not the cause, so if you'd be so kind as to let me up, we can forget this ever happened!" 

Clouseau was always a terrible, terrible liar...

(Back to present)

Cato flipped the egg in his skillet, If he is attracted to me—which I can understand completely—how can I get him to admit it? Cato stood there at the stove devising a plan.

(Jacques Clouseau)

Jacques Clouseau woke up from a pleasant—yet unsettling dream—where he and Cato were living a life together, as-as, as a couple! Jacques shook his head vigorously as he got up out of bed, "A most unsettling dream." He said aloud pulling on a housecoat before walking into the kitchen. 

He slipped his hands in his pockets and was met with the delicious aroma of Cato's cooking. 

////

(Jacques Clouseau)

Cato had asked clouseau to meet him at a Chinese restaurant but so far cato had yet to show. Clouseau's only consolation for that was a lovely asian woman that had been in the booth in front of him, they got to talking and somehow he'd forgotten all about Cato.

"Would you like to find someplace more....private?" She asked batting her lashes at him. "Oh no, no," he said, "I mean yes! But I can't, I'm meeting a friend here." The woman pouted, "Oh but you've been waiting so long, I don't think he's coming." Clouseau looked around a moment and called for a waitress, one came and he inquired about Cato. The waitress eyed his female companion curiously but the woman looked away, the waitress then told clouseau she had yet to see Cato and left. 

Clouseau sighed, "I suppose he isn't coming," he said sliding out of the booth, "Where did you have in mind to go?"

////

Clouseau and the woman he met at the restaurant who called herself, "Cat." had returned to his own place and after searching for cato an hour, the woman waiting surprisingly patiently, he gave up and sat down on the couch beside her. "You have a very nice home." She said placing a hand on his arm. Clouseau nodded, "Yes well cato takes very good care of it."  
Cat nodded too, "Yes I can see that."  
"Would you like something to drink?" He asked, "I have some scotch, if you'd rather you can have some water or, orange juice."  
"Oh no thank you," She said, "I'm actually quite hungry."  
"But we've just left a restaurant." Clouseau said confused.  
Cat placed her hand on his inner thigh and squeezed, "I have a hunger of a different kind." Clouseau squeaked in response, "O-oh yes of course, you're wanting to have sex no?" He took his hat off and put it on the table, and coughed, "The bedroom is this way." He motioned to the archway and cat got up gracefully, she walked into the room silently with clouseau following. She slipped off her sandals and let down her hair, it cascaded about her shoulders and she looked over at him, "Are you going to undress?"

"Why yes, of course!" He said, "J-just give me a minute." He then disappeared into the bathroom.

(Cato)

Cato sat on clouseau's bed in women's clothing, he'd been talking all night in a falsetto voice and decided he could be a wonderful actor because he'd fooled clouseau very well. 

Clouseau had gone into the bathroom and when he came out he wore striped pajamas, he sat down beside Cato and kissed him once. Cato felt a new warmth in his chest blossom and when clouseau pulled away he knew he needed more. He grabbed a fistful of clouseau's pajama top and pulled him close again, their lips met and their kiss turned heated. Soon the lights were off and so were their clothes, cato was on top of clouseau and they hadn't gone all the way yet but were nearing the brink.

(Jacques Clouseau)

Clouseau was on the verge of having sexual relations with a very beautiful woman, or so he thought.

He felt something he shouldn't have under the covers and heard a deep groan, one that was surely uncommon to hear from a woman. He turned on his lamp and asked Cat to come from out of the covers, when she did, her hair was gone! And she wasn't a she at all, but— "Cato!" Clouseau said in shock. "Hey boss," Cato said flushed, "I thought I wasn't the cause of your arousal." "Cato, you idiot!" Clouseau said and hit the mostly naked asian on the head, "You can't lie to me Jacques." Cato said, and Clouseau was surprised to learn how much he liked to hear his first name pass Cato's lips, and was irritated by the fact that he was right.  
"You like me." Cato said wiggling his eyebrows. Clouseau turned the lamp back off, "Shut up Cato you idiot."  
"You got it." Cato said before slipping back under the covers.

"Cato!"

**Author's Note:**

> Oh gosh that was awful, I’m sorry! I hope someone out there enjoyed this though! Thanks so much for reading. ♥️


End file.
